Les 5 Langages de l’amour. Les connaître améliorera drastiquement tes relations

by Ling-en Hsia

in Vie sociale

cinq language amourOn peut donner et recevoir de l’amour de 5 manières différentes. C’est Gary Chapman qui a introduit cette notion dans son best-seller « Les 5 langages de l’amour. »

Connaître ces formes d’expression d’amour (toucher physique, paroles valorisantes, moments de qualité, cadeaux et services rendus) est essentiel pour bâtir des relations sociales saines et épanouies. En effet, chaque personne dispose d’un langage qui lui est plus sensible que les quatre autres.

Connaître le langage préféré d’une autre personne et concentrer ses efforts à  utiliser celui-ci permettra de remplir son « réservoir d’amour » plus facilement. Elle se sentira pleinement aimée.

Et quand un vis-à -vis se sent aimé, il est plus facile

  • d’approfondir et de préserver la relation avec elle
  • de l’influencer
La connaissance de ces 5 langages de l’amour permet aussi d’apprendre à  aimer avec les langages que nous ne maîtrisons pas et d’apprendre à  recevoir un langage que nous n’apprécions pas.
Par ailleurs, comprendre cette notion permet de faire une analyse de soi-même.
« La relation avec mes parents était-elle mauvaise parce que je ne recevais jamais de paroles valorisantes de leur part ? » « Si ma femme se plaint que je ne l’offre pas assez de cadeau, cela veut-il dire que je ne l’aime pas suffisamment ? »
Trop souvent, les malentendus sur ce niveau sont à  l’origine des mésententes. On peut aimer sans que l’autre le ressente ou ne pas se sentir aimé alors que c’est le cas. Il est donc temps de remédier à  tout cela.
C’est parti !

1. Paroles valorisantes

Le psychologue William James disait « Le principe le plus profond de la nature humaine, c’est la soif d’être apprécié. »

Les paroles valorisantes sont un langage qui permet d’exprimer notre amour à  travers nos mots et de manière très directe.

Elles peuvent être de divers types. On parle alors de dialectes. En voici quelques-uns:

  • Paroles d’encouragement
  • Compliments
  • Mots gentils
Ce langage est l’un de ceux que j’affectionne le plus. Dès que j’en entends, cela remplit mon réservoir d’amour et je gagne un peu de confiance en moi.
Je me souviens qu’à  Shanghai, une coiffeuse m’a appelé un jour « beau gosse. » Evidemment, elle le disait à  presque tout le monde tous les clients. Mais même en sachant cela, cela me faisait sentir beau et valorisé.
Essaye de communiquer un peu plus d’amour en prononçant des paroles agréables. Tu en verras les bienfaits très rapidement.
Remercie ta mère ou ton épouse pour le bon repas qu’elle a préparé. Même si c’est la 25000 ème fois que tu manges ce même plat et qu’il a été préparé de la même manière.
Même au caissier du McDo. N’hésite pas à  lui dire un merci avec un grand sourire. C’est le client suivant qui va t’en être reconnaissant.
Offre des paroles valorisantes autour de toi, sans attendre de recevoir quelque chose en retourUn compliment, par exemple, peut avoir un impact important !
Attention néanmoins à  ne pas chercher à  manipuler en étant malhonnête. Le dire sans le penser peut détruire son image et  donner l’impression de ne pas être une personne sincère.

2. Cadeaux

Dans la culture chinoise, on se bat souvent pour refuser un cadeau.

Moi, j’ai grandi dans un environnement familial sans la culture des cadeaux. Un enfant poli était un enfant qui refusait tout ce qu’on lui donnait par courtoisie. Au point que aujourd’hui, ça me met mal à  l’aise de recevoir des cadeaux. Ca me gêne que des personnes aient fait cet effort que je considère comme un sacrifice coûteux (au moins en temps). Je me dis aussi que je ne méritais pas ce cadeau…

Par contre offrir des cadeaux, j’aime relativement bien. Même si le choix du cadeau, mon budget et l’emballage sont des obstacles ! :p

J’ai entendu dire une fois une amie qu’au moment où elle déballait le cadeau, elle pouvait ressentir tout le temps que l’autre avait passé à  choisir ce cadeau. Qu’en l’ouvrant, elle ressentait toute l’affection et la tendresse que l’autre personne avait voulu lui communiquer. Offrir un cadeau peut être extrêmement puissant pour véhiculer de l’amour. A condition que ce soit le langage de l’amour de l’autre.

Attention néanmoins à  ne pas utiliser le cadeau comme une excuse ou comme une récompense à  quelque chose. Le père qui voyage tout le temps et qui offre des gros cadeaux à  ses enfants pour essayer de compenser son absence, ça ne fonctionne pas. L’enfant ressent qu’il s’agit d’une tentative de rachat. Utiliser le cadeau comme une récompense à  un acte méritant non plus ne rentre pas tout à  fait dans ce cadre. Exemple: un patron qui paie son salarié.

Un cadeau n’a pas non plus besoin d’être cher. Ce qui compte, c’est l’attention portée à  l’autre.

3. Services rendus

Je racontais la fois où j’ai un peu forcé la main d’une personne pour l’aider. C’était l’expression (maladroite) d’un sentiment amoureux.

Je pense que c’est évident que nous les hommes, nous utilisons plus facilement le service rendu comme une arme pour montrer notre affection. C’est une manière concrète, palpable et pas trop gênante de le faire. On croit parfois même pouvoir déguiser nos sentiments à  travers cette technique. Je te le dis: ça ne marche pas ! Les filles sont plus fûtées qu’on ne le pense. Cela ne veut pas forcément dire que c’est une mauvaise chose.

Par contre, dès qu’il s’agit d’exprimer des sentiments non amoureux, alors là , c’est la flemme internationale qui nous envahit. Combien de fois ai-je fait la vaisselle de ma propre initiative à  la place de ma mère ?… Sérieusement ? Pas plus d’une fois ! (je crois bien que c’est 0).

Trop souvent, on prend les choses pour acquis car on a grandi avec ces choses-là . C’est à  la vingtaine seulement que je me suis vraiment rendu compte que ma mère m’exprimait bien son amour en faisant les tâches ménagères et en me préparant à  manger. Maintenant que je dois m’occuper de moi-même tout seul, je me rends vraiment compte à  quel point c’est fatiguant…

Si on ouvrait un peu plus nos yeux et notre esprit, on se rendrait compte que l’amour est bien plus présent autour de nous qu’on ne le pense

Par ailleurs, le malentendu de ce langage de l’amour peut avoir des effets très douloureux. Prenons l’exemple d’un mari qui travaille dur au bureau et qui rentre tard tous les soirs pour gagner de l’argent et ainsi subvenir aux besoins de sa famille. Il croit montrer de l’amour pour sa femme en apportant une sécurité financière (ce qui est important) alors qu’elle ressent le besoin d’avoir des moments de qualité (voir point suivant). La dispute aura lieu tôt ou tard si personne ne comprend ce qui se passe: chacun essaye d’imposer son propre langage de l’amour à  l’autre.

4. Moments de qualité

mcdo famille

Mon neveu et mon père au… McDo 🙂

Les moments de qualité sont en général le plus apprécié des langages de l’amour. Il s’agit du temps que l’on passe avec une personne. Peu importe l’activité en cours, ce qui compte c’est de se retrouver avec l’autre et de pouvoir discuter, partager et sentir la présence de la personne que l’on aime. On me charrie souvent sur le fait que je veux tout le temps aller au McDo avec mes potes. Ce n’est pas pour les hamburgers (seulement), c’est pour le moment de discussion et de rire que j’anticipe.

En général, les femmes apprécient beaucoup ce langage. Si tu es marié ou que tu as une copine, tu sais ce qui te reste à  faire. C’est d’ailleurs le cas de la plupart des femmes qui t’entourent (mère, soeur, amies…), alors ne les oublions pas pour autant ! 🙂

Il peut exister une tension ici à  cause de notre nature masculine. En moyenne, les gars valorisent moins le temps passé à  bavarder ou juste à  être ensemble à  ne rien faire. Disons plutôt qu’il prend une autre forme. Jouer aux jeux vidéos pendant 2 heures sans s’échanger d’autres mots que des vannes est un moment de qualité pour nous. L’une des difficultés vient du fait que l’on soit moins bavards que les femmes. Et ça, certaines femmes ne le comprennent pas bien.

Les personnes âgées aussi souffrent de ce manque. C’est pour cela qu’ils parlent souvent tout seul et qu’ils tapent la discussion avec les caissières de Franprix (pendant que toi tu es super pressé de payer ta seule canette de Coca…).

Donner du temps à  une personne pour laquelle on est romantiquement amoureux (copine ou femme) n’est pas la même chose que de le faire avec quelqu’un qu’on aime avec moins de passion (personnes âgées, famille, par exemple). C’est pour cela qu’il faut vraiment se faire violence parfois.

5. Toucher physique

Par une tape dans le dos, un serrage de main, une embrassade ou une bise, on peut communiquer de l’amour.

Je me souviens de mon séjour en Espagne dans une résidence universitaire. Je ne parlais presque pas espagnol et j’avais du mal à  le comprendre aussi. Au bout de quelques semaines, quelques espagnols (même pas bourrés) me croisaient et me faisaient de grandes embrassades. Le message était clair: le petit Chinois (qui se disait Français) était le bienvenu. Ca m’a rempli mon réservoir d’amour direct ! Je me suis alors senti à  l’aise très rapidement dans ce lieu.

Le toucher physique est le langage d’amour le plus techniquement facile à  pratiquer. Parfois, quand je sors et que je n’ai pas le temps et les capacités de communiquer de l’amour à  mon père, je lui dis au revoir accompagné d’une petite tape dans le dos. Ca me permet de me rapprocher de lui physiquement pour créer une certaine intimité.

Néanmoins, il faut faire preuve de discernement avant de passer à  l’acte. Sache qu’il est préférable de ne pas le faire aux filles avec lesquelles il pourrait y avoir malentendu. Les femmes étant plus sensibles au contact physique, attention à  ne pas leur communiquer un message erroné. Certaines pourraient aussi le vivre comme étant une infraction à  leur distance de sécurité. Sachons aussi que certaines cultures ne pratiquent presque jamais ce langage.

Enfin, concernant les hommes, il vaut mieux être assez proche de quelqu’un amicalement avant de le faire physiquement. Ca peut carrément créer du dégoût sinon.

 

Conclusion: Comprendre les langages de l’amour est extrêmement important et peut changer des vies.

Tu peux faire un test gratuit pour connaître ton/tes langage(s) de l’amour en cliquant ici (en anglais).

Enfin, il faut savoir aussi que 1/4 des personnes ne communiquent pas le même langage de l’amour que celui qu’ils aiment recevoir. Peut-être que tu préfères recevoir des paroles valorisantes, mais que tu aimes plutôt offrir des cadeaux pour exprimer ton amour.

Maintenant, prends le temps de digérer un peu tout ça et surtout, passe à  l’action !

Pour en savoir plus, je te recommande les livres de Gary Chapman qui déclinent son livre pour différents publics:

Si ce thème t’intéresse, inscris-toi à  la newsletter d’Esprit Vif ci-dessous pour recevoir les prochains articles.

{ 105 comments… read them below or add one }

Stéphane juillet 10, 2012 à 23 h 10 min

Merci Ling-en !
Encore une fois un article très instructif et travaillé avec humour et bienveillance.

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Ling-en Hsia juillet 11, 2012 à 1 h 30 min

Merci Stéphane !! Tu mets en pratique rapidement en sachant que je suis « paroles valorsiantes »… :p

T’as vu l’image aussi !!! C’est moi qui l’ai faite :p

Elle est jolie hein ?

Toi si je me souviens bien c’est moments de qualité et toucher physique n’est)ce pas ?

🙂

LIng-en

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Nico novembre 14, 2012 à 21 h 51 min

Entre votre article : Connaître les 3 composantes de l’amour pour mieux aimer et celui ci dessus : Les 5 Langages de l’amour. Les connaître améliorera drastiquement tes relations.
Sans me vanter j’ai appliqué tout ça lors de ma dernière relation ( pas des précédentes ce qui est surprenant, la maturité peut être ), mais ça n’a pas suffit.
Elle m’a quitté car n’avait plus qu’énormément d’affection et de tendresse pour moi mais pas l’amour que j’espérais, alors qu’elle m’a aimé. Ca a duré un peu plus d’un an mais des éléments extérieurs sont venus troubler son esprit ( décés de son père, et elle m’a dit qu’elle repensais toujours à  son ex car notre anniversaire de rencontre correspondais à  un jour prés a celui d’avec son ex trois ans auparavant alors qui l’a fait souffrir mais bref…).
Ca fait plus d’un mois et demi qu’elle m’a quittée et elle m’a dit très récemment je cite : Ca me fait chier de ne pas aimer un homme qui m’aime comme je voudrais qu’on m’aime. Pour dire si j’ai apparemment compris comment il fallait aimer.
Bon maintenant il ne me reste plus qu’a appliquer votre article : 8 Raisons de ne plus revoir ton ex-copine. Et la est le plus dur car c’est assez insoutenable de ne plus avoir de contact avec la femme qu’on aime, même si je comprends bien que ce soit la meilleure solution pour faire son deuil, ou du moins tuer ce putain d’espoir, car la ça fait un petit moment que j’avance pas…

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Nia-An mars 20, 2017 à 13 h 58 min

Bonjour Nico,

Je suis en peine pour toi et je souhaite qui tu rencontres une personne qui sera en phase avec toi. Qui saura reconnaître tout l’amour que tu as pour elle et t’aimeras en retour.
Mais laisse-moi te dire que l’amour n’est pas comme un cours magistral qu’on prend, ou des astuces qu’on glane parc ci par là. Il est du domaine de l’incontrôlable, du surnaturel et rien de ce que l’on apprend dans les livres et avec les experts ne peut en rien façonner l’amour. Apprend à connaître la personne que tu as en face de toi, ces besoins, ces humeurs et soit spontané. ne fais pas de calcul, ne te remplis pas la texte de notion, d’astuces. Sois naturel et aime le plus naturellement possible. Donne ce que tu peux donner, attends ce que l’autre est à mesure de donner. Mets toi au meme diapason qu’elle et laisse la magie faire le reste.
Je ne suis pas expert, mais je pense que ca peut bien marcher.

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amidelaD janvier 16, 2016 à 21 h 21 min

Très intéressant! je me suis soudain rappelé des tapes que me donnait mon père dans le dos. Dans ma culture, on n`a pas l`habitude des câlins…par contre avec mes enfants ici a Montréal ce sont les câlins qui me sont imposés en quelque sorte. Je pense également que c`est la conjugaison de ces cinq langages qui fait un couple. On ne peut s`identifier qu`a un seul et en reconnaitre qu`un seul pour notre partenaire mais les trois autres feront aussi partie du jeu a certaines occasions. Je ne suis pas venu ici par hasard et je ne l`ai pas regretté!

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Sophie Peltier mars 29, 2016 à 14 h 47 min

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Merci de me faire parvenir votre News letter
Merci pour ces beaux articles
Cordialement

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Nia-An mars 20, 2017 à 14 h 07 min

Je voudrais juste dire merci à l’auteur de cet article pour la clarté et surtout pour cet appui de taille comme conseil. Nous vivons aujourd’hui le mal amour (il y a plus de veritable amour), car l’amour est devenu plus individualiste. On pense plus à soi qu’à l’autre; on voit plus ce qu’on attend de l’autre que ce que l’on doit donner, on veut dicter à l’autre comment nous aider et non le laisser exprimer son amour par lui meme. L’amour est devenu la recherche d’intérêt. je vais avec une telle personne parce que je pense avoir telle ou telle chose, parce que je serais mieux vu et respecté, ou parce que cela m’ouvrira telle ou telle porte. Et enfin on a réduit aujourd’hui l’amour au sexe et c’est ce qui explique le malaise dans lequel nous vivons, sinon l’amour n’a pas changé. Pour que tes conseils marchent, il faut d’abord que les gens se débarrassent de tout ce que j’ai cité ci dessus.
Merci!

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